About Jerry

I have a theory about the divorce rate. When my parents and others in the Greatest Generation got married, it was traditional to throw uncooked rice as a sendoff for the happy couple. It was serious rice, too, tough and about as biodegradable as stucco. Sure, raw rice left a mess, but the marriages that began during the era of rice-throwing lasted for decades. Fast forward to the '60's, when someone got the bright idea that it would be more appropriate to throw bird seed at weddings, since it was more "natural" and pigeons could clean it up. So, yeah, bird seed was more convenient, but when guests at weddings started throwing it instead of rice, the divorce rate spiked. Many of the marriages that began under showers of bird seed didn't last until the Tuesday after the reception.

I married the love of my life in 1982, but our guests threw bird seed at our wedding. The marriage lasted only six years and about two months.

I went through all five stages of grief after my marriage tanked. During the anger phase, I filed a lawsuit against Hartz Mountain in a vain attempt to link the bird seed thrown at our reception to the pain and suffering triggered by my divorce. The judge said the suit was "without merit." During the depression phase of my grief, I turned to music. I believe music is uplifting, a sort of freight elevator for the human spirit; and I have a rather eclectic collection of CD's. They include:

"Drew's Blues" --- A bootleg recording of the famous "Bel Air Sessions," featuring Drew Carey and fellow bluesmen Wink Martindale, Sid Caesar, Robert Schuller and Dick Van Patten.

"Strawberry Intermezzo and Sweet Potato Pie" --- Martha Stewart's musical homage to Billie Holiday.

"Farm-Fresh Concerto" --- Avant-garde composer John Cage's masterpiece for piano and rototiller.

"Duet for Harpsichord and Dog Whistle" --- Critics with high-end hearing loss have mistakenly described this groundbreaking piece as a "brilliant solo."

"You're Interrupting My Dinner" --- Luciano Pavarotti sings the transcript of an unwelcome call from a telemarketer.

The music helped during the depresssion phase, but Internet dating helped even more. I spent years browsing and searching. I dated Tina, the host of the well-known public access TV show, "Cooking on a Unicycle." I also dated Bernice, who used to swat herself and say, "It hurts, but it makes me go faster." And then along came Mary. Finally, an intelligent, literate lady who was still coherent, even though she was the parent of a teenage girl.

With Mary I reached the acceptance phase, and now I am at peace.