Jerry Replies

I'm afraid I'm going to have to take exception to Mary's last post. She said we both preferred curling up with a copy of "Great Expectations" to jumping off a cliff overlooking rocks with a harness... Actually, I enjoy jumping naked off cliffs, although only in my dreams. And my naked Bungee-jumping dreams still have literary merit, since the Bronte sisters are watching and Camus is holding up a sign judging my leap as a perfect "10." (Since it's Camus, he probably should hold up another sign adding, "but who cares?")

I took a trip to Colorado shortly after our first contact. I didn't go to jump off cliffs. Instead, I engaged in riskier behavior: I spent time with my daughter April and a couple of her peers. Psychologists call it "quality time." I liken the experience to canoeing the Niagara River above Horseshoe Falls. Mary and I kept in touch while I was in Colorado, and it was during this exchange of emails that we first traded substantive information about our offspring. It was also when we realized that we both needed serious professional help.

Hi Jerry,

Oh, it sounds like you're having a blast! I am so thankful that your spirit is being renewed in what I am sure, most would refer to as "God's country."

Now that I have had a day to attend to errands, I have come to the

realization that there is a virtual deluge of paperwork on my desk,

threatening a tsunami at any moment. There, amidst the waves sits a

ship load (pun intended just for you) of filing and the sinking feeling I have is the reckoning that I have yet to do my taxes!

In order to avoid the impending quiet storm, I think I'll ditch it for the moment and run to Costco for some quick retail therapy and a tank of gas! By the time I return it will give me just long enough to run out the door for my 4 o'clock swim cardio class. Denial is such a good thing.But that will leave me a window from 6:30 to 9:00 to throw out the life raft and fish through the paperwork before settling in for the kill with Tony Soprano.

Hope your evening is half as exciting as mine.

Sincerely,

Mary

Dear Mary,

I agree that denial is a good thing. Once it gets past its larval stage, it's known as vacation. I don't even want to think about the deluge of paperwork awaiting me when I get home.Taxes? Haven't touched 'em yet.

As I write this, my day is just beginning. The sun is beckoning like Moby Dick for me to go outside and add to the "healthy glow" I acquired on yesterday's fishing trip. My daughter wants to open a bank account today. I think she secretly hopes that will start a cascade of events leading to a driver's license. Ha! I'm onto her little scheme.

Hope all is well.

Sincerely,

Jerry

Jerry, Jerry!

You crack me up! Must admit I laughed with respect to your daughter's "little scheme." Ha! Be glad you don't wear make-up. Just this week I reached for my industrial strength moisturizer, only to find it in my daughter's backpack! Of course it was in good company, with my hairbrush, comb AND mascara!!!!!

Must run her now to her karate class (I remind her that I still have a frying pan and know how to wield it) and then the club to swim again.(One would think I should have sprouted fins by now.)

Hey, how did the fishing go?

Carpe Diem,

M.

Dear Mary,

Just thought you'd like to know that I opened that bank account for my daughter today. I think the branch manager who helped us open it was a mole for Homeland Security. She was pleasant enough, but she forced me to supply two forms of identification and fingerprinted both of us. The only thing missing was a shoe inspection. Talk about family fun!

As far as the fishing trip goes--- the kids caught two fish apiece.

Naturally, they caught nothing while I was with them. As soon as I left to get them SausageMcMuffins, the fish started biting.

This is beautiful country, although it's easy to forget that the air is thinner in Colorado . A slow bike ride here is about as strenuous as Navy SEAL training at sea level.

Glad to hear about the moisturizer and other purloined goods. It sounds as if you're as neck-deep in parenthood as I am.

Sincerely,

Jerry

Good Morning:

I think you've missed your calling. Your material is top notch stand up stuff. Of course, you'd have to do a set at the PTA and the "I Killed My Teenager - Anonymous" meetings. But Jerr, you have a talent!

We have rain - well, actually more of a mist this morning, the kind the Irish call a "soft morning." I've seen it hang in the air before, that beautiful air borne dew - then I realized it was my extravagant signature fragrance, Angel. That's right, when I opened the door to the laundry room, it wafted from behind and yet it was oddly not my perfume. What in the world? Then it hit me, that the underlying scent was no longer vanilla or chocolate, there was now a rank undertone that made me forget that I should have been perplexed that the Maytag and its closet's contents were whispering Angel. What the hell was this...my nose whiffed it, and then it hit me...cat shit. It appears that my daughter Sunny decided to use it as an "air freshener" in lieu of actually changing her cat's box. Well, if she lives long enough, maybe she can march her fanny into Nordstrom's and pitch her idea, Angel scented cat box liners, or Angel scented plastic scoops, or Angel scented cat litter...but of course she would have to change the name...hmmm..At $150.00 per ounce, it must be French in derivation, so maybe "Parfum de Merde de Chien" would be catchy. I'm sure there's a whole new market out there. I wonder how you translate English to French in saying, "Sunny, get your butt in here, now!"

It's a good thing my taxes haven't been touched. I just got my corrected 1098 from the bank, proving that I have thrown a first year's college education fund down the toilet in mortgage interest. Ya gotta love the American dream.

Well my friend, I hope your day is great. I have some prep work to do in the house as a friend of mine is coming to spend the night after we old timers rock out with Rod Stewart tonight. Don't worry, I promise not to sing Maggie May while filling out my AARP application.

Make it a great one,

Mary

Dear Mary,

Thanks for the kind words. And let me return the compliment: your material is a riot. The bit about Angel was especially good.

I was glad to hear you're familiar with "I Killed My Teenager - Anonymous," and I gather you're a member as well. It's been quite therapeutic for me.The only unpleasant moment came when another member (I can't use names) accused me of locking my daughter in a broom closet. You can imagine my outrage. I retorted angrily that I had never confined her in anything smaller than the pantry, where she has a cot between the Ramen and the bottled sauerkraut.

Actually, I don't think those Dickensian measures work anymore. I can imagine a kid in the Victorian Era, emerging after six months in a turret, shivering with contrition and saying, "I'm sorry, Master. I will never again forget to shovel out the stall." Nowadays, kids are too tech-savvy, and they can turn any confined area into their own personal cyber cafes. You can ground your kids, but when you decide they've had enough, you're bound to find them listening to illegally-downloaded music, IM-ing with their friends and probably hacking into NORAD.And so it goes. Here's to more "soft mornings" and Angel in the air.

Sincerely,

Jerry